they’re more important than one might think, options. i came up here to get some work done in the daytimes and break it up by socializing in the evening. i knew i’d run around gadding the first week, before christmas, but thought i’d have the second week o buckle down. it didn’t turn out that way for, as soon as i saw i was stuck here, and although you’d think i would be able to get lots and lots of work done, i kept thinking about my finite amount of time and what i wasn’t doing, and i wasn’t able to concentrate. then i kept thinking of all the work i had planned to be doing and all i really ended up doing was knitting. is that because that’s comfort—i know the outcome, i’m in control of that? or because it isn’t nearly as hard? i don’t know, but i never was able to settle my mind down enough to get to painting beyond what i started early in my stay. i had enough uncertainties already to throw myself into that cauldron of the unknown.
now here it is thursday and i have only one or, at most, two days before i drive back, and i once again have options, since we can at least get out in the guys’ car, even if mine won’t move for another few days yet. i turned off npr since i don’t need that link to the outside world anymore and it was depressing me anyway, and put the cds back on. i still knit and think about all the things i’m not doing that i had planned but, of course, i planned about 4 times more than i ever could possibly have done anyway. but still, i learned that i cannot just sit and paint on my own, it makes me very freaked out. is that a clue that painting isn’t right? or that i’m simply not yet ready? what will i have to find once i’m home to get it going, a class of some sort? i don’t know. i didn’t think classes were the thing after last summer, but i my have been wrong. perhaps i’m just not yet at the point where i can just practice what i do painting again, like i do knitting.
same with the spindle: i never even turned the instruction on yet and don’t know that i will now. i want to get out of stewing about what i didn’t do and just enjoy what i have left yet. i only lost two days, really, tuesday and wednesday, although it seems like far longer. monday, what was monday? maybe i lost monday too, i’ll have to go back and look. (eta: yes, i lost monday, but i was still happy about it, so it wasn’t really lost :)
but i still have today and tomorrow, and if i don’t drive back then, saturday. i have just about decided to put in for an emergency sub on friday for monday, just in case i don’t get out until sunday and then can’t get all the way through until monday. it’s these contingencies that are driving me nuts, the not knowing, and i have allowed it to—have watched it-- rule my time, when really i just wish i could relax and take it as it comes. especially since i can’t do anything about it anyway. will i drive saturday? did karen get here and need me to, is that another consideration or not? i will need to see if karen’s still in the equation for, if she’s not, i don’t want to drive that soon by myself in the weather—if i can get the car out at all! rainstorm is called for and, while it would be nice to have someone to ride with me…i don’t know. see what i mean? anyway, i don’t want to be stuck with no sub in case i can’t make it all the way back on sunday but i’m still on the road on monday. i need to see the weather forecast again when i’m up at folk school this afternoon, to see what sunday's weather is supposed to like. and find karen. and and and…see what i mean? stop!
will i go to the new year’s eve dance? how much time will i spend at the folk school vs. here now that here is not a total necessity? gah. i’m freed up now, let’s just enjoy it, whatever it is.
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